My daughter Caitlin started school this year, Even though we're now into second term, she is still reluctant to go. She clings to me while I unpack her bag, and buries her face on my sleeve when the teachers try to entice her into the classroom. As I walk away from the school, feeling each day like I've betrayed her, I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that after a few minutes she'll settle into her school day and be happy to be there.
Until Monday. After school when I unpacked Caitlin's bag, I found the above drawing. Just about broke my heart. 'When did you do this?' I asked her. 'Was it in the morning, just after I left you?'
She told me 'No, it was in the afternoon, after lunch.'
I asked if the teacher saw. 'No,' she said. 'I did it and hid it in my bag so she couldn't see.'
Even looking at it now makes me want to cry as I wonder what kind of day Caitlin's having. It isn't that she doesn't have friends - she's always complaining that too many kids want to play with her and she doesn't want to hurt their feelings by saying no. It's not that she struggles with the tasks. She already reads well, and all her teachers, from Music to PE say that she is well above standard.
Yesterday she seemed so depressed and exhausted I let her stay home. She had a lovely day. She had a meltdown that lasted half an hour because there was no cereal left for her breakfast, she got into my makeup and painted her face, she made a mess and didn't clean it up.
It hit me, as I compared the child I know to the impression Caitlin's school teachers have of her, that Caitlin is exhausted by school because so much of her school day requires her to suppress her real self. At home she is feisty, outspoken, even aggressive at times. At school she is polite, sensitive, co-operative, and quiet. At school Caitlin never yells, never shows anger, has never been in trouble. One teacher at my first parent-teacher interview said she wished every child was like Caitlin.
Caitlin's Chinese teacher apparently said on Tuesday 'Caitlin, you are always right and always good.' Can you imagine how much pressure that puts on a six-year-old child who doesn't like to disappoint her teachers? What is going to happen when that inevitable day comes and she does get in trouble, or her temper finally flares up? My poor little girl is going to feel so disgraced and ashamed I'll probably never get her back to school.
